Navigating the dating world in this modern age comes with its challenges – even more so with queer dating. Speed dating promises its participants a fun and immediate way to meet new people and provides an alternative to online dating platforms in a safer space. In this article we take the reader with us on our own speed dating experience.

I hadn’t given much thought to the upcoming speed dating venture since I wasn’t looking to meet anyone myself – but now with only an hour before I head off, the nerves are starting to kick in. What if we have nothing to talk about? Five minutes can feel like an eternity when the conversation is not working. I wonder what kind of people go to these kinds of events.

Mark a heart if you’re interested

The „malso lokal“, located above the main train station in Berne, organized their first speed dating event in October 2021 which, according to them, was a big hit with 44 participants in total, with an equal number of men and women. Soon after, they organized a „rainbow-edition“ for people of all sexual orientations. Tonight Tabea, a fellow student from university, and I are attending the rainbow edition’s sequel. As we approach the venue, the insides of the bar-restaurant become visible through the glass walls. They are filled with inviting warm lights and little wooden tables and large leafy plants in every corner. As we enter, I notice pink reservation cards along with red and white chocolate hearts on two or three of the tables. There don’t seem to be any other speed daters here yet. At the bar we are told by Rebecca, who is one of the workers and organizers of the events, that there have been a lot of cancellations so we would just be four participants this evening. Since the other two already know each other as well, there will only be two rounds of dating. To elongate the event a little, the time per date is upped from 5 to 10 minutes. “Alright”, I tell myself, “I can handle 5 minutes more.. right?” We each get a pen and a small piece of paper, where we can fill in all the names of our (ever so many) dates. On the side of the paper in small print, I notice a couple of questions, to help out tongue-tied daters. At the end of each date, the speed dater marks a small heart if interested in seeing the other person again. If after the event both parties are interested, the organizer will share the contact details with the respective partner. But to begin with, Tabea and I grab a cup of “glüewii” and sit down each with one of the other two participants. And so the dates begin.

The birth of speed dating

The origins of dating via rotating system of short conversations can be traced back to an innovative idea of a Jewish community in New York. In 1990 rabbi Yaakov Deyo was looking for a way to facilitate chaperoned dating for Jewish youths in his community. With this he coined the now widely successful idea of speed dating, with event-organizers across the world adopting and adapting the concept over time.

Difficulties of modern (queer) dating

Dating today is often hard enough as it is. With maneuvering online platforms and finding ways to start talking with someone in real life, things can quickly feel awkward. And once you find someone you actually connect with, the challenge remains of figuring out what kind of a situationship you’re in. With queer dating, yet another dimension is added to the game: with a queer crush, determining whether there’s a vibe or not requires figuring out whether they are even interested in one’s gender. This is a question that straight people seem to rarely if ever, ask themselves about potential partners. Especially gay men and trans women and non-binary people who date men are often additionally burdened by the possibility of a violent reaction, if their opposite choses to be offended by their advances.

Contact with just a swipe

The rise in demand for dating apps and other online platforms of the sort seems to have no end in sight. What might be the appeal of such options? In a world that seems to be becoming increasingly individualized and desensitized to real-life interactions with strangers, the possibility of replacing that scary first step of approaching someone for the first time, with a swipe or a like can be tempting. For queer daters, apps like tinder, hinge, grinder etc. do the work of sorting out people with averse sexual orientations, so the question of “are they even into my gender” is eliminated. One might still encounter the occasional person who is “just trying to meet new people” but for the most part, it’s all quite transparent.

Advantages of speed dating

As many advantages as there are to online dating, there are of course some downsides. On the one hand, there is the issue of the personas on people’s online profile being highly curated to show certain aspects of themselves. Speed dating provides a real-life alternative by eliminating the aspect of approaching strangers, within the context of a cozy meeting space. Rebecca from “malso” describes a big advantage of this real-life dating method as follows: “Speed dating events can be great opportunities for introverted people or people with low self-esteem for instance, as it pushes them to engage with strangers – which they might not dare to do in their usual dating setting.” Additionally, in comparison to online-dating, you can feel the connection or lack thereof, with your date. Getting to know someone in this way, might also decrease to possibility of creating an inaccurate image of them in your head, as can quickly occur online.